


Oh my sanity, where are thou?

by Kittyclaws086



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Graphic descriptions of violence, I have no idea what else to tag, M/M, Maybe I will add more tag later, Minor Original Character(s), Mood Swings Madara, My First Fanfic, Out of Character, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-19 15:44:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19976530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittyclaws086/pseuds/Kittyclaws086
Summary: Madara can be such a drama queen sometime... He also has very bad mood swings too.





	1. Prologue: A confused Madara

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing. I was trying to write something and got something else instead...  
> It’s my first fic so I gonna go with Madara Chan first. (Though he doesn’t like to be called that.)  
> Got a lot of inspirations from all my senpais who love Mada, Izu,Hashi, Tobi, etc.  
> English is not my first language so there will probably be a lot of language problem, sorry in advance

Madara was sitting in his study with a cup of his favourite tea. He had a ton of documents on his desk to go thru but he just couldn’t concentrate. He heard Izuna arguing about something with Hikaku in the other room through the shoji door. But he couldn’t focus on what they were saying. In fact, his mind wondered to the last battle with Senju. 

‘Or was it even called a battle?’, he asked himself. 

It was very confusing indeed. He knows that his once best friend was a happy-going, tree hugging oaf. That guy is always greeting him with smiles and shouting about peace. But that last time was... weird, weirder than usual. All he saw when he jumped out from behind the group of uchiha to face Hashirama was that the idiot chocked on his own words and stumbled on his mokuton tree roots. ‘

Really... who got tripped by their own jutsu in battle? Only that stupid Senju.’ He scoffed fondly into his tea with that memory. But it was very funny though. 

‘Serve him right!’, his vengeful little self commented. Hashirama tried to bond him with mokuton in their second last battle. It pulled at his hair and his scalp felt like it was on fire. Madara was still very pissed with that little stunt. ‘Hm!’, he put down his tea cup with more force than necessary on his desk. 

There was this supposed the strongest of the Senju in the last few century, falling face first into the ground with dirts in his mouth, his whole bottom was up in the air for all the world to see. Madara laughed at the image. His Sharingan was active that time so he had a perfect record of that moment to savour for a very long time. He even noticed some twigs and leaves sticked awkwardly in the usual perfect hair of that Senju. 

‘Hah! I got better hair. My hair maybe poofy but it will be always better.’, he self-complimented. He poured himself another cup of tea and then, glanced at his last mission on the desk. He was supposed to review it. But his mind now wondered about the run back from his last mission.


	2. Chapter 1 : Madara and His Great Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara was just trying to be a good clan head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing. I was trying to write something and got something else instead...  
> It’s my first fic so I gonna go with Madara Chan first. (Though he doesn’t like to be called that.)  
> Got a lot of inspirations from all my senpais who love Mada, Izu,Hashi, Tobi, etc.  
> English is not my first language so there will probably be a lot of language problem, sorry in advance
> 
> *If I forget anything to tags, let me know*

With another cup of tea in his hand, he thought back to his last mission. It was a honeypot mission. The types of missions he tried to avoid after he had become the clan head. But this one, the pay was too good to refuse. And it was very close to winter and uchiha’s funds were very low. And building the relationship with rich clients meant more higher paid missions for uchiha in the future. They needed the income. The skirmishes with the Senju were eating away their resources faster than they could gain. He had too little choices. He could refuse and then let the uchiha suffered in the upcoming winter. Or, he could accept the mission and send one of the uchiha kunoichis. Both options, he didn’t like it. In the end, he decided to choose the third option. 

‘I am smart!’, he praised himself again. ‘No matter what Izuna said.’ 

Talking about Izuna, he cringed when he could still feel his ears ringing from Izuna’s screeches. He had told him his plan about the mission and what did he get? He got yelled at and three hours Long lecture on the negative aspects of his fabulous plan and how things could go wrong. It was a testament on his patience. Though it could considered as a useful training regime on multiple ways to ignore what was nagged in meetings, especially with those old fart Elders. And the way Izuna screamed, one would think that his littler brother was a kabuki actor than a shinobi. What a vocal prowess! He never had the idea that human beings could make such noises. Izuna might even have wake up several generations of their ancestors from their eternal sleep. Hopefully, not Tajima. He cringed at the thought. He would prefer uncle Takeshi or grandaunt mebuki, anytime. There were fun to be with. And maybe seeing them might have given heart attacks to some of those old farts and sent them to Shinigami’s domain faster. He was really hopeful but he knew his luck with that. Talking about his luck though, if Tajima had ever come back, he might have to off him again and ensured that he would not be able to come back by any mean. By any mean, he swore. Oh!, did he already mention that his bratty kid brother could talk for hours, non-stop? Sometime, he wondered if his little brother was adopted or switched at birth. Tajima never liked to talk more than necessary and haha-ue was quieter. He wanted to say that something went wrong with Izuna’s upbringing but it couldn’t be! After all, he was the one who had to look after that brat most of the time. He swore to Kami-sama that he was blameless. Nope, just nope. He was not in denial, he swore. So, let’s just go with the first theories. Or he could shift blame on Tajima who was always too busy obsessing over the butt of Senju Butsuma. One would think that they were bitter lovers with the way they were in every fight and —and— Ewww! what was he thinking? No, nope, nada, NIL. He would not let his mind to be in that direction. He needed to bleach his brain. Just— just Ewww...

—————————

Izuna literally yelled out to him that it was undignified and beneath his status. 

“Aniki, what would other clans think if the uchiha clan head take such mission?”, he said. “You are worse than a blushing maiden. You won’t even pass as a street whore let alone a high-end courtesan.” ‘He was not shy. He was just being...nice, a gentleman?’ “And you are a male, a flat-chest male. Where are you going to find boobs to fake?” ‘Little Brother, that what genjutsu was for. One would think that Izuna was not thinking like a shinobi.’ He rolled his eyes. “Or do you even know how a woman’s breasts look and feel like? ‘Excuse me! Did the little rascal hinting at something?’ He felt that his hand twitched. “Let be honest, you don’t have enough experience to pull through this.” ‘I do so have enoug experience! How hard it can be to imitate a set of bre...uh..fat and flesh, Hmph!’ He tried to control the more twitches in his hands. They were like trying to grab something and wanted to throw away into that koi pound in the garden again. “Let’s one of the kunoichi take this mission? At least, they will know how to flirt and not red in the face like a tomato.” Nope. He was not listening. He would not do this. “And you would be discovered in a second. Aniki, did you hear what I am saying?” He would not do this. “Geez... Aniki, you are such an absent-minded sometime. What would you do without ore-sama, huh? Aniki, you would be like a lost little lamb...” ‘That’s it! his little brother had been sprouting non-sense because the day had been too hot.’ “Izuna? The sun is getting your tiny brain melting. You need it to go and get it soak to cool down.” He interrupted Izuna finally. “What..?” His little brother paused his rant to catch up what he had said. “Here, let your mighty Aniki help you.” “What? Sun? Soak?... wait!” ‘Oops, too late.’ His hands finally stopped twitching after the satisfying splash and a high pitches screech just outside their window. 

Madara took the mission because he had already made up his mind. He would not fall prey to the sad puppy eyes from a soaking Izuna. And he is the current clan head. It is his duty to protect his kinsmen. Also, he saw too much of the result of the failure with such mission. His mood was darkened whenever he thought about his second cousin, once removed. She was the last casualty of a honeypot mission gone wrong. It was devastating to hear her mother’s cry. He had promised himself that they would not have that kind of sorrow when he become the clan head. Now, he is the clan head, he would still keep his promise. He took this mission because of his duty and promise. And definitely, not to proof that his little brother was wrong. 

—————————

So, his excellent plan was to disguise himself as a female courtesan. And out of spite, he would just make himself a very busty female. If he pulled up his hair and made it pretty, used some hair accessories and redden his lips... Voi~la! he would be able to pass as a decent female. ‘Hmmm... more than a decent female’, he would know. Added up some nice kimono to conceal his very very male body, lower his voice to a more seductive tone then, he would be a very convincing courtesan. He was convinced that he could easily pull this through. After all, he remembered how beautiful his mother was. And he knows that he got the look from his mother than Tajima. Usually, it was like a curse. He, Uchiha Madara, was the greatest warrior of uchiha. But he had also ended up as one of the most beautiful Uchihas, including the females, too. 

He sighed. It was a sore point for him. People told izuna that he was sexy and handsome. But to him, “Madara chan, you are like your mother, very beautiful. Madara sama, you have such a pretty face.” 

Ugh.. were these suppose to be compliments? They were more like a sugarcoated insults! ‘I am a male, by sage!’ He scowled. ‘Last time, I checked, I was definitely a male… right?…’ He subconsciously looked down. ‘Gaahhhh.... dammit, these people were even making me doubting myself! I am definitely a MAN! I would know so.’ He is supposed to be devilishly handsome, not pretty! Definitely not BEAUTIFUL! Every time, someone mentioned that he was beautiful or pretty, his eyes twitched. And it was definitely not his fault that they ended up on the wrong side of his great fireball jutsu. It was just that they were very accident-prone and easily flammable. And no one had disagree with this statement so far so he was in the right.

He glanced at his reflection across the room. His face looked too feminine though. And his skin, fairer than most Uchiha. He had been in the sun, weathered harsh weather yet, his complexion was fair. Many were envious of his complexion but all he really wanted was tannish sun-kissed skin tone. He, dubbed as war god of shinobi, had a pretty face like a fair maiden. Even that p̶r̶e̶t̶t̶y̶ evil white-haired Senju demon had scars on his face and he was sure no one called that demon, pretty. 

In the Shinobi world, No visible scars at his age meant great skills. But for him, it was counterproductive. And let it be known that this was the deciding factor for him to grow his hair to such mass and covered up most of his face with that hair. That had made him looked menacing in battlefield. A proper uchiha warrior. And people thought that he was too arrogant to not comb his hair?

Pffttt.. if they really knew the reason...

—————————

He ignored his tea and decided to lie down on the floor. The night was still young but it was getting colder. He glanced at the kimono that he left on the floor. He needed to pick it up and keep it properly. But he was too lazy. And he still wanted to clean that kimomo properly before putting back into his mother’s chest. Ugh... what had made him to wear his mother’s kimono and allow that... that. ugh... 

Well, apparently, thinking of the idea and executing that idea were different matters. He lacked female accessories. And he really didn’t want to borrow from his female clansmen. The gossip... Just. No. Period. Letting Izuna knew was one thing but letting others in the clan knows... Not. Gonna. Happen. And he really needed to clean it and also needed to scrub himself with soaps several time. He abruptly stood up and walked outside. 

“I am going to take a bath!”, he shouted to Izuna, wherever he was he was in the house. “And that was not an invitation to join in!” He added as an afterthought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Madara said he was smart enough to come up with such great plan. ^_^  
> Izuna did not agree with whatever his brother is sprouting. He said Madara was a disaster no matter what he does but he loves his aniki anyway -_-


	3. The Beautiful and Deadly Madara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Famous Last word! He really shouldn't have said that!   
> Dara Chan continued with his disastrous flashback. ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing. I was trying to write something and got something else instead...  
> It’s my first fic so I gonna go with Madara Chan first. (Though he doesn’t like to be called that.)  
> Got a lot of inspirations from all my senpais who love Mada, Izu,Hashi, Tobi, etc.  
> English is not my first language so there will probably be a lot of language problem, sorry in advance
> 
> *Beware of some gory descriptions of chopping limbs?   
> If I forget anything to tags, let me know

After an hour of scrubbing and washing, Madara finally judged that he was cleaned enough and relaxed himself into the bath. The water was warm and the right temperature for an Uchiha like him. He was lulled by the comfort of the warm bath and his traitorous mind was backed to its wondering nature again. His was back to musing on his last mission. It was both satisfying and infuriating. It was also a rather interesting experience. He had never done that before and of course, there were some obstacles, but he overcame everything in the end. 

—————

It was officially confirmed that executing his plan for this kind of mission was harder than what he had imagined. First, his very own hair was most of the time uncooperative but tidying up into a beautiful shimada, it was outright rebellious. One would say it was alive and had a mind of its own. During his attempts to learn how to tame it to a decent shimada, he had to sacrifice several combs. Izuna’s favourite comb was among them. Serve him right for telling him that he got hair resembled to futakuchi-onna. Next was the way to apply the makeup. He winced at his first attempt. He tried not to think about how he looked with his very first makeup. He would still get a nightmare even now. Izuna had finally took a pity on him and taught him how to do it. He was curious on why his little brother knew how to apply very feminine makeup. ‘Do you really want to know Aniki?’ It sounded innocent enough but with that foxy grin accompanying that sentence, he’d rather went and had a tea ceremony with Senju Butsuma.

And several attempt (without any help from that devil incarnate, he had to call little brother), he managed to disguise himself as quite a eye-catching courtesan. Pleased with the result, Madara moved to the next stage of his plan. All he had to do with seduce his target and be done with it. Izuna had wished him luck and told him he would need it. Really, why would he, the greatest warrior of Uchiha, would need luck on such an easy mission. It was below his pay grade and he was only doing this because of his own principal. His target was only a civilian, how hard could it be? 

—————

Famous last word!

He regretted saying that. His target was an unappealing greedy lord. ‘Scratch that! A greedy, fat and greasy pig of a lord’. A disgusting son-of-a-bitch who talked like he was a god-sent to all the female populace. Did that filth even use a mirror? And his repulsive habit of trying to sneak into Madara’s kimono folds. How many times he had to avert that disaster? He lost counts after twelve! He had fake boobs that he used a very good genjutsu and henge to accomplish. He almost accidentally dispelled it when his target’s hand first roamed into his kimono and tried to squeeze something that was not supposed to get squeezed! At least, his high-pitched voice was not fake by that time. And did he mention about that wondering hand on his tight too? That was somewhere he did not want to get fondled by that pig! Trying to smile and still in character while thinking about 1001 ways to murder his target was a very difficult task. He had to endure many groping! He had really thought it was an easy mission. Dammit! He could hear Izuna’s laughing and ‘I told you so!’ He had to endure the groping and the poor attempt to flirt and compliment him to get the information. And really, why were those obnoxious creatures always in the position of power. Life wasn’t fair. He would be very glad to slit that creep’s throat after he got all the information he needs. 

His mission was a success. A few dozen bottles of sake and several rounds of more genjutsu later, he got what he wanted. And he would not repeat to anyone what that creature was trying to do him in those illusions. He would carry that secret to his death. He felt nauseous just thinking. But he had enjoyed the feeling of his Kunai slitting thru that bastard’s throat. The look of horror on his ugly face was superb. That had lightened his mood. 

—————

So, here he was, jumping from tree to tree leisurely in his kimono, his hair still in pretty style and accessorised. And he already sent his summon to Izuna to inform about the successful mission (and of course not any detail of his encounter with the target), so he didn’t really have to rush back. He got to kill such man. That had lightened his mood. Too bad, he couldn’t take too much time. If he had a chance, he would take his sweet time to slowly drain his blood and chopped off every single finger, toe and limbs one at a time. Especially, that sorry excuse of a limb that pig thought as the greatest gift to women. It was laughable! Even the squirrels in the forest he just passed by would have them better than that so-called great lord! He didn’t regret killing him. In fact, he revelled in it. He was doing a good deed getting rid of such person. And if he got nice big bag gold for such deed, it was a bonus. 

And of course, his decision to leave makeup and his red stained lips was not because it made him look nice, but because he had loved the taste of the fear of how deadly and alluring he had looked with that smiling red lips and bloody kunai in his hand. He still wanted to savour that little moment. He could indulge himself from time to time. He could see himself, beautiful and deadly. He wouldn’t mind being called beautiful if the result was always like this though. His little vicious devil side was happily doing a victory dance in his mind. 

‘And even Hashirama would not be able to pull through such look.’ He thought. ‘But that oaf is always looking so cheerful. He would never be able to pull that look though the white demon might.’ Madara couldn’t even imagine a scary Hashirama in his dream. Even after all this time, he was still yelling peace to Madara. Madara really wanted to accept the offering. He had seen his portions of bloody corpses and broken families. It was also his dreams, their dreams... He didn’t want to admit it, but he was scared. He had faith in Hashirama but the rest of the Senju, he didn’t. Especially, that Senju. Every time, he had a chance to glance at his little brother across the battlefield, all he saw was how many time Izuna was close to his death. The b̶e̶a̶u̶t̶i̶f̶u̶l̶ terrible Senju heir, the more cunning of the two, would have many tricks under his sleeves. If he were not born as Senju, Madara would have greatly respect that cunningness, those red eyes, that sharp tongue, those lips and... and... Gahh... Where had his mind gone to? He should have been worried about Uchiha’s wellness than admiring the traits of their enemy. 

And Izuna, who was the rival of Senju Tobirama since that fateful day, would know more about him than Madara. Izuna always complained about that Senju and how he had come up with all the deadly jutsus every single time they met in the battlefield. Deadly, not something to injure or incapacitate the enemies. Senju Tobirama, who would not hesitate to dirty his hands with Uchiha’s blood, the white demon, who would not hesitate to take Izuna away from Madara’s side, was Hashirama’s most trusted and closet advisor. Hashirama had said once that his brother would have support his decision. But someone who was a genius at destroying Uchiha, even how attractive those red eyes were...and…and... No! Izuna, his little brother and his most trusted, didn’t find that Senju trustworthy. Who was he to doubt his own closet advisor’s words? 

But what if? He tried to envision the peace that he and Hashirama sought after. The village, the happy smiles and so on. He couldn’t see it clearly, but he tried to hope to find the little happiness he could find from his unfulfilled dream. 

But all his happiness and dream were crashed when he was intercepted by one of his little brother’s summon. ‘Aniki, Senju Ambush! They will be reaching to our east forest soon.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dara chan's very first honey pot mission...  
> Izu Chan is choking on his own laugh in the background.


End file.
